The Keys to Successful Family Problem Solving
Many factors can be involved in creating an environment ready for successful family problem solving. Conversely, there are many approaches or tactics that can disrupt and ruin attempts for families to problem solve. The good news is that by utilizing research based strategies and avoiding negative behaviors for family interactions families can have a wide range of successes in solving problems together and feeling more connected as a family unit.
There are many problem solving don'ts that can negatively impact families. These don'ts include, but are not limited to:
Don't
1. Blame the other person
2. Defend yourself
3. Talk about intentions
4. Make broad generalizations
5. Bring up the past (using terms like always and never)
6. Change the subject
7. Lecture or give long explanations
8. Put the other person down
9. Try to problem solve when angry or upset [1]
When problem solving it is crucial to stay focused on the topic at hand instead of making broad generalizations, bringing up the past, or changing the subject. When we forget that we are all on the same team it is likely that we will engage in blaming the other person, defending ourselves, or talking about intentions. It is impossible to read other people's minds and we often jump to unsound conclusions when we do this. Instead of trying to read people's minds it is crucial to clarify things that we think we have heard to make sure we are interpreting the message correctly. Often in my work with families we will discuss how the family will fall into these 9 pitfalls listed, especially in times when they are not remembering that they are all on the same team or when they engage in problem solving when they are too upset to think clearly.
It is paramount to give loved ones the benefit of the doubt, discuss troubling behaviors (versus character deficits) that are upsetting us, and engage in positive, open communication that is reciprical and supportive in nature. Often coming from a strengths-based, solution focused approach can be helpful including asking questions like "How can we as a family rely on our past successes with problem solving to help us in this current dilemma? What are some of our greatest strengths as a family and how can we access them now? What are we most thankful for currently in our relationships with each other and how can we keep that in mind while we problem solve?"
Avoiding problem solving when angry is one of the most important aspects to follow to engage in successful problem solving. I will often have family members rate how angry or upset they are from 1 to 10. As a general rule, I advise that anytime any of the family members is rating themselves above a 3 problem solving is abandoned until all family members are below a 3 since often when we go above this level of intensity we commonly fall into the problem solving don'ts listed above. Questions that are often helpful to know when enough relaxation or coping strategies have been used to once again return to successful problem solving is to answer yes to these questions:
1. Right now am I below a 3?
2. Right now can I speak calming and respectfully?
3. Right now I know that deep down we are all on the same team and I will be able to give my family member the benefit of the doubt?
4. Right now can I think clearly and am willing to consider alternate perspectives and possible solutions?
If the answer to these 4 questions is yes for everyone it can be an appropriate time to return to problem solving. While it is important to take breaks and call family timeouts when people rise above a 3 for intensity level, all family members must know that a timeout is a promise by everyone to return to working together to solve the problem when everyone is calm. By avoiding this list of common pitfalls, while also monitoring current levels of stress and intensity, and returning to family discussions when everyone is ready to engage in positive, strengths-based problem solving great things can happen for families.
[1] Handout from child and family practicum program for the University of Oregon Counseling Ph.D. program (resource from Dishon and Stormshak)
