Positive Change Through Praise, Play, and Rewards
When discussing how to create positive behavior change in children one of the best places often to start is to examine the amount of positive interchanges occurring. One area of psychological research that consistently produces similar findings is that when we look for happy kids, happy adults, happy couples, and happy employees what we find is that there are typically 5 positive interactions or examples for every 1 negative interaction or correction that occurs. These numbers at times have been dropped to be a 3 to 1 ratio in workplace settings, but in general, when we have 5 positives to every 1 negative people typically report being happy in a relationship.
Given this research regarding the impact of having 5 positives to every 1 negative related specifically to parenting, it is no surprise that the best parenting books start with chapters on praise, play, and rewards/incentives. It is common for parents to want to start by trying to solve current problems and address how to implement consequences. However; in treatment or parent training it is typically better to start with praise, play, and rewards since then so many behavioral difficulties drop so significantly that consequences are needed so much less. While it will always be important for families to have consistent ways in which they set healthy limits with children and enforce clear consequences, focusing on increasing positive interactions is definitely the place to start!
For parents looking for ways to bring positive change in this area I recommend several things:
1. Take one week with the assignment to notice (possibly even documenting) all the things that your child is doing correctly. We can get so caught up in the difficulties or behaviors that push our buttons it is easy to lose sight of all the positives and the many things that children are doing right.
2. Take the following week to start praising your child for all the things that you are noticing. This can be done through verbal praise such as, "Great job! I really liked how you listened on the first time." or "Thanks for taking out the trash. I appreciate it." Be aware and don't fall into the pitfall of combining a negative and a positive together such as, "Thanks for taking out the trash. Too bad it took you so long." Beyond verbal praise, high 5's and hugs can also communicate some of these positive sentiments.
3. Take time to play or connect positively with your child everyday. This could be through playing a game, watching a show together, reading together, talking to your child about his or her interests, etc. Parents sometimes have to be mindful to pick activities that are likely to be positive versus negative. For example: for the scheduled play/connection time pick reading versus a board game if game time is often a time of contention in the household.
4. Providing clear expectations with rewards for positive choices can also be a great way to improve the climate in a home and build in more positives. List out behaviors in positive language for children and set children up for success in your reward plans. Listing behaviors positively means stating an expectation as being "kind in words" versus saying "no disrespectful language." Successful incentive plans often allow for children to do less initially to earn rewards while as time increases the desired expectations are raised for a child to reach the reward.
I cannot state strongly enough how important positive interactions with children are. Working hard to achieve that 5 to 1 positive to negative ratio can be crucial in creating healthy family relationships and can work to bring about great behavior change in children. While it can take real effort at first, especially if there have been a lot of negative interactions or challenging behaviors lately, these positive interactions will build healthy, happy children and families.
