Parents are People Too: Ways to Refuel and Recharge
While the title to this article may sound silly, I decided on this title specifically since often there are so many pressures and demands on parents that we seem to forget that parents really are people too with their own feelings, wants, and needs. It is very common for our lives to be so busy, stressful, and over-scheduled that we forget or struggle to justify making time for ourselves. Unfortunately this type of selflessness often backfires and makes parenting even more challenging in the long run. It is crucial for parents to carve out time for themselves independent of their children, both for themselves as individuals and in their relationships with others to maintain a healthy balance, which ultimately supports the challenges of parenting.
Many of you may have witnessed how on an airplane the safety instructions prior to takeoff detail how in the case of an emergency adults are to place their own oxygen masks on first prior to helping any children or other adults in need of assistance. Similarly, police officers, firefighters, and lifeguards are instructed to first assess that a situation is safe for themselves prior to entering into a rescue situation. The reasoning behind these behaviors is that if we are not taking care of ourselves it is impossible for us to help others. This idea holds true for parenting as well. While this is true for all parents, I believe this is especially true for families with children with special needs.
Sometimes obstacles for parents to create time to refuel and recharge themselves emotionally is the idea that they cannot afford the time. Unfortunately, parents can't afford not to take the time since it is almost impossible to engage in the positive parenting that is needed when we are under too much stress and are feeling overwhelmed. Financial concerns impede some other parents from taking time for themselves, while others struggle with feelings of guilt. Some parents need to find ways to challenge these feelings and learn that they actually cheat both themselves and their children if they do not model good self-care.
For couples, date nights can be critical to assist parents in maintaining their connection and building positive family interactions. Some parents have a specific, weekly date night as a means to carve out special time for each other. Recommendations to make for great date nights include setting parameters where the dates are just that--dates (not a time discuss problems, family schedules, or work stress). I know of some couples who have traded off with other families, in which the parents take turns providing childcare when it wasn't possible to afford childcare. In these cases, the couples would even schedule slightly later dates so that the children were already tucked in for the night so the other parent wouldn't have to provide much childcare.
For families with the financial means to hire a person for childcare, this can sometimes be especially challenging and stressful when trying to secure childcare for a child with special needs. There are ways to seek out childcare providers with significantly more experience working with children with special needs, such as people who have worked as aides in the schools or for companies. Friends or family members may have a good referral and now there are online childcare companies that link parents with babysitters. Often these companies have completed background checks on potential sitters and provide additional information such as the person's level of experience and references.
Beyond date nights it can be really important to have individual time as well. Research regarding decreasing the likelihood of experiencing anxiety or depression recommends a minimum of 20 minutes per day for self-care. This time can include engaging in pleasurable activities, exercising, deep breathing, using imagery to daydream about being in a favorite place, doing progressive relaxation (systematically tightening various muscle groups), spending time with others in your support network, etc. No matter what activities a person chooses for self-care the important thing is to make the time and honor it. Parents are incredibly hard working and have one of the most important jobs around. It is critical to acknowledge and respect this by creating the time to refuel and recharge.
