One of the keys to assisting children to grow and develop healthy is by providing the supervision and monitoring necessary to help them navigate the minefield around them that is otherwise known as the teen years. Research in the field consistently signals the importance of monitoring and supervision as main ways to help children be successful in these potentially turbulent years. Monitoring and supervision often include things such as knowing who children are spending time with, what they do when they are out of the home, where they go, and what the supervision, monitoring, and value systems are of their friends' parents. While some children are open books, other children do not want to include their parents in their lives or choices. For these children who often want more privacy and independence, parents often have to work hard, channeling their inner Sherlock Holmes to be the type of parent detective that their children need.
It is a parent's duty to know what his or her child is up to and that he or she is safe. This can be especially challenging for parents of children who want to be left alone to make their own choices and decisions. The responsibility remains with parents to know that their child is safe, by knowing what behaviors he or she is engaging in and what situations they may find him or herself in. For situations in which children do not share with their parents or include them, parents need to do what is necessary to get the information that they need.
There are several signs that may signify to a parent that their child may be struggling. These signs might include:
1. A child has become withdrawn or secretive.
2. A child's grades have decreased dramatically.
3. Teachers, a child's friend, family members or others have brought up concerns for a child.
4. A child has changed who they spend time with (possibly associating with others who may not be making healthy choices).
5. A parent questions whether their child might be using drugs.
6. Something in a parent's gut just tells him or her that something is not right!
What I advise parents to do is to trust their gut response. If something is telling them that something isn't right, they need to investigate and get the information needed to know if their child needs help to be safe. Sometimes parents get overwhelmed or discount their gut reactions thinking that they are overreacting. Without further information a parent may not know, and if his or her gut is right that a child may need a lot of support, guidance, and clear guidelines in order to be safe.
Parents can ascertain information in lots of ways. This can be as simple as being sensitive to children and asking questions. Sometimes parents find that asking children at the right times is crucial to get the information they need. I know of parents who make a point to get a special treat with their child or ask questions while driving alone together in the car because they have noticed that these are situations in which their specific child is more open. Another key is to be involved. Being involved in a child's life may include:
1. Talk to other parents.
2. Pay attention when you are driving a carpool-you might just be amazed about what children talk about when they don't think you are listening.
3. Show up where your children are supposed to be. Often you will not even talk to them, but I recommend that you sometimes attend a movie at the same time or go buy a coffee when you know your child is supposed to be hanging out at a coffee shop or bookstore with friends.
4. Have many clear rules for phones, computers, and social media. These rules should include things like no deleting or closing down any screens when you are in the room, that you can ask to see their pages, emails, texts, etc. at any time, and that you control all passwords. I know many parents who also have their own Facebook account or something similar just as a means to have more information about what his or her child is doing.
5. Get clear evidence if possible. For example: if you are concerned about drug experimentation conduct drug testing.
Another challenge for parents is that many teenagers are upset and angry when their parents set rules, supervise, monitor, and when they investigate their child's behavior. I recommend that you notify children that it is your responsibility to be a good "parent detective" and that you take this job very seriously. It is OK to inform your children that it is your duty to keep them safe and healthy and that this is a nonnegotiable thing. Some parents also need to be firm and let their child know that he or she needs to comply with the parent's conditions in order to earn privileges. For example: many families have a rule that in order for a child to visit a friend the parent needs to have met that friend previously and spoke to the other child's parent about this specific event. If a child is not willing to comply with these guidelines than the child is told that he or she does not have permission and the matter won't be further discussed until he or she does what is necessary to fulfill the guidelines.
The best way is to get the information needed is to foster positive, open communication with your child. This is more likely to occur in cases where you make times to just have fun and positive interactions with your child, where you praise and reward your child for telling you things you think are important for you to know, and when you are able to manage your own emotions regarding what your child is telling you. Children are much more likely to discuss more important topics in the future when you have stayed calm and had good conversations about what they are telling you. It is a difficult balance, but it is important to hear your child out and also tell them your values as well as your hopes and dreams for them in a way that doesn't feel too much like a lecture. The reality is that children need their parents in these turbulent years and parents need to rise to the challenge. Know there are supports out there, good sources for education, other parents who also are working hard to keep their children safe who can be important allies, and parents have a wealth of knowledge because they survived their own teen years and have lived to tell about it. With all of this support and knowledge, parents can make Mr. Holmes proud.
