Taking the Emotion out of Parenting

Taking the Emotion out of Parenting

Parenting can easily be one of the most challenging aspects of a person's life.  While parenting can be an incredibly rewarding experience, there is no question that having to parent when a child is testing limits can be one of the most stressful and upsetting things for a parent to handle.  This can be especially true for parents of children with special needs since at times their children are more prone to high levels of emotional outbursts and challenging behaviors.  Luckily there are many strategies that can assist parents in staying calm no matter what situation arises with their child.

There are many strategies that can assist parents in staying calm despite their child's emotional or behavioral level.  These strategies can include:

1.  Pay close attention to your own emotion level by monitoring your mood and behaviors.  For example: If you can still talk calmly and feel positively about your child then you are probably still able to problem solve or provide appropriate discipline for your child.  If instead you are struggling to not raise your voice, threaten your child, provide unrealistic consequences, or are having trouble thinking clearly it is best to step away from your child to calm down.

2.  It is critical to notice what messages you are interpreting from your child to make sure that you are hearing them correctly.  Often when we are angry or upset we infer what others are thinking or feeling incorrectly.  This can often arise in parenting in cases when parents misinterpret their child saying "no" to them to instead mean, "You are a bad parent.  I don't care what you say.  I don't love you."  Parents often are able to manage their emotions better when they can frame their child saying "no" as "Right now my child is telling me that he or she needs a lot more guidance to make a correct choice."  It also can be really important to alter your child's message to what they really mean.  For example: It is crucial to re-frame when a child says something hurtful like, "I hate you." or "You are the meanest mom ever." to instead be, "I am so mad right now that I can't stand it."

3.  Walk away from the situation and calm down prior to trying to solve a situation with your child.  It is better to say, "I love you and I will work to solve this problem with you, but first I need to calm down" than to resort to a less effective and overly punitive approach.  It is also often helpful to tell your child, "You have earned a consequence for your behavior, but I am too mad to give it right now," as a way to acknowledge your child's behavior, but to also allow yourself room to avoid the pitfall of providing harsh consequences when angry.  

4.  Talk deep breaths, use imagery to think of a relaxing place, think positive thoughts, exercise, talk to a friend or spouse, read, or engage in other activities that will assist you in calming down and being ready to engage in healthy problem solving.  It is recommended that people engage in a minimum of 20 minutes per day of self-care as a way to manage stress and anxiety.

By removing some of the emotion related to parenting, parents often feel more in control and positive about their interactions with their child.  Give your child the benefit of the doubt in your communications with them and it is possible to feel happier and more effective as a parent.

Last Child in the Woods

Last Child in the Woods: Saving our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder
 Spotlight on a Landmark Publication

Richard Louv's national bestseller, Last Child in the Woods: Saving our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder, is a must-read for nature enthusiasts and anyone concerned about our children's health or the environment.  Mr. Louv states, "A growing body of research links our mental, physical, and spiritual health directly to our association with nature--in positive ways.  Several of these studies suggest that thoughtful exposure of youngsters to nature can even be a powerful form of therapy for attention-deficit disorders and other maladies.  As one scientist puts it, we can now assume that just as children need good nutrition and adequate sleep, they may very well need contact with nature."  He cites research that has shown that exposure to nature may reduce symptoms of ADHD, improve children's cognitive abilities, creativity, and productivity, while also increasing resistance to negative stresses and depression.

Mr. Louv has coined his own phrase, Nature-Deficit Disorder, to not act as a formal medical diagnosis, but instead to reflect the "human costs of alienation from nature, among them: diminished use of the senses, attention difficulties, and higher rates of physical and emotional illnesses.  The disorder can be detected in individuals, families, and communities.  Nature deficit can even change human behavior in cities, which could ultimately affect their design, since long-standing studies show a relationship between the absence, or inaccessibility, of parks and open space with high crime rates, depression, and other urban maladies."

Several chapters in the Last Child in the Woods account for how this decreased connection with nature has occurred over time, citing many areas including children and adults' increased dependence on electronics, less accessibility to natural areas due to less space and more restrictions placed by government and private agencies to use space, fears related to safety concerns regarding allowing children outside to explore independently, and the busy over-scheduled lives of families.  Mr. Louv describes how visits to national parks have decreased dramatically despite the long history of parks being safe for families.  He notes how these changes are leading are younger generations to not be as connected to nature and less concerned with protecting our environment.

In the expanded version of Last Child in the Woods, Mr. Louv also provides a list of many steps that children, families, community members, and government officials can take to preserve nature and positively impact the lives of children and adults.  He cites the No Child Left Inside Act as a positive step being taken on a national level to address the negative impact of losing our connection with nature.  Mr. Louv also provides a clear list of several actions we can take to celebrate nature including: viewing nature as an antidote to stress, encouraging kids to camp in the backyard, engage in cloud watching, have a "green hour" as a family tradition as a time for unstructured play and interaction with the natural world, institute a "sunny day rule" where children's inside time is highly limited when the weather is nice, hike, plant a garden, send your child to camp, spend family vacations in state or national parks, read outside, work to transform communities to be places with lots of green space, and to be an advocate for the environment.  Mr. Louv's message is clear--nature matters and we need to do our part to protect it for ourselves and future generations.