Being Clear About the Nonnegotiable

Being Clear About the Nonnegotiable: How to Use Specific Language to Assist Children with Following Directions

I find that one of the most challenging areas for parents is how to assist their children with following directions quickly.  While almost all children will struggle on some days more than others to demonstrate good listening, this is often a significant issue for children with difficulties with attention, learning, or mood regulation.  Utilizing clear language can help children to better understand what is being communicated to them, which ultimately can improve the frequency of their following of directions quickly.

There are several challenges that can impact following directions quickly including:
1)  Difficulties staying focused and a low arousal rate for children, making it difficult for them to process directions when given.
2)  A tendency for children with some special needs to get "hyperfocused" on what they are doing and have difficulty tearing themselves away to respond to a new direction or expectation.
3)  Difficulties for children with cognitive flexibility causing them at times to get "stuck" in a certain way of thinking often with less ability in the moment to consider options.
4)  Difficulties with emotion regulation
5)  Children having difficulty with reading social cues, often not realizing that a direction that has been given is not a topic that is up for debate.

It can be important to first assess what might be getting in the way of successful listening and the following of directions since based on the type of struggle a child is having a different intervention strategy would likely be needed.  Last month's article provided some suggestions for how to increase attention and improve emotion regulation with tips to help children calm down and better manage their emotions if you would like more information in these areas.  

I consider hyperfocusing to be one form of getting "stuck" when it becomes incredibly challenging for a child to tear themselves away from some activity that he or she finds really engaging such as a video game.  Children also seem to struggle with cognitive flexibility frequently in various situations including when they expect things such as their schedule to go a certain way and plans change, when they believe that they are in charge of making a decision instead of their parents, and when something doesn't feel fair to them.  Clear language can be an important tool for parents to assist children to more accurately understand what is expected of them in a given situation.  I believe that not only do children benefit from clear directions and communication, but that often by using the same terminology over and over again, children begin to be more consistent in following directions quickly.

Common strategies that can be helpful for parents to be more clear in their language include:
1. Phrasing questions and commands clearly.  Often parents struggle when they use phrases like "Can you" or "Will you" with their children when they are really not asking a question, but giving a command.  In cases in which a parent is wanting to give a direction, avoid asking a question and using vague language and instead be clear.  For example: "Susy, right now I expect you to pick up your dish and place it in the sink." gives a specific direction about what is expected including when the parent is expecting the behavior to occur.
2.  Providing many prompts as well as auditory and visual cues can be helpful with situations involving hyperfocusing.  For example: If a child struggles with turning off a video game or putting away a game when it is time to do so, the child will often be more successful if the child is given several prompts about what to expect such as, "You have five more minutes to play before cleanup.  I am setting your timer next to the TV with five minutes on it so you will know when to stop."  Being consistent with clear rewards for stopping as directed and clear consequences such as losing game time the next day for struggling to stop as directed can also be beneficial in this area.
3.  Labeling children's feelings and the challenges for them that come when something feels unfair or unexpected can also be helpful.  Making statements such as, "I am guessing that you are disappointed or frustrated right now since it is time to cleanup and you would rather keep playing.  It is OK to feel frustrated.  I still need you to pick up your toy and put it in the toy box right now."  It also can be helpful to directly address the unfairness of life.  I often tell children that life isn't fair and that it isn't going to be and that the sooner that they can learn this the happier they will be.
4.  The use of the term "nonnegotiable" to me is one of the best ways to use clear language with children to help them know what is expected.  I encourage parents to define the term "nonnegotiable" for their children and to use this phase with their children in cases in which they have made a firm decision and the topic isn't up for debate.
5.  As always, incentive plans for kid can also improve the speed at which they have success with following directions quickly and being more flexible.  For example: "I know that this doesn't feel fair to you and you would like to keep playing, but this is a nonnegotiable.  Right now I need you to put the game in the box and place it on the shelf.  If you can do that quickly and deal well with your disappointment you can earn a bonus this evening."  

Families often get into the bad habit of arguing about or debating what should happen next.  The more that parents can use consistent and descriptive language the better that children will do with following directions quickly without as much debate.  Combining clear language, with labeling emotions children are likely experiencing, acknowledging times when children are getting "stuck", and providing cues and reminders about the bonuses that can be earned by being flexible and complying quickly good results are possible.  With consistency and time spent focused on having specific language dramatic behavioral changes are possible.