Teaching Children to be Honest

Teaching Children to be Honest 

Teaching children to be honest can be one of the most challenging tasks for parents.  The importance of honesty as a value comes up repeatedly in my work with families since it is such a crucial and complex issue.  Luckily, there are many steps that parents can take to assist their children in being more honest.

Some of the strategies that parents can use to help their children to be more honest include:
1.  Talk regularly with children about the importance of honesty in your family as well as how to appropriately take accountability when needed.
2.  Provide significant rewards to children for demonstrating honesty and taking accountability for their actions.
3.  Remind children that consequences are typically worse in situations in which children choose to be dishonest about their negative choices.
4.  Clearly illustrate how honesty works in your family by providing good role modeling and clear examples of being honest and accountable.

One area in which honestly can come into play for children specifically is in the area of cheating.  A recent Dateline episode focused on honesty and the pressure on children to cheat in today's society.  The piece was interesting since it had parents watch their children on camera being peer pressured to cheat in a variety of instances.  In many situations children looked uncomfortable and at times voiced slight objections to cheating, but would often engage fully in the cheating as more peer pressure was applied by the child actor in the challenges.  Unfortunately it was rare in the television clips for children to take a firm stand and risk peer isolation by speaking out and refusing to cheat.  Rosalind Wiseman, a writer and educator on ethical leadership, noted that the behavior of the children filmed for the television show is consistent with children in a variety of settings.  She provides several suggestions to assist parents in teaching children to be honest and to avoid cheating.  Her tips for parents include:
1) talking with children about family values;
2) provide specific situations for them where it might be difficult to be honest such as when they have access to test questions prior to a test and what you would expect them to do in this type of a situation;
3) admit that it doesn't always feel good to be honest;
4) to use real examples in the media for discussion with teaching opportunities such as when someone famous lies or when an athlete gets caught utilizing performance enhancing drugs to have a discussion with your child and get them to share their point of view.

Specifically regarding the topic of preventing cheating, Rosalind Wiseman recommends that we also need to change our school systems by decreasing the value we place on grades, and instead focusing our attention on how much children are actually learning since research demonstrates that when the emphasis is placed on celebrating what is actually learned children are significantly less likely to cheat. [1]

In my practice I often find that an area where dishonesty occurs regularly is having children lie about whether they have homework or not.  I believe this is so common for children with attention and learning difficulties since lying in this case is a means to try and avoid homework since this is often such a painful and stressful time for children.  I find what typically works best for children is to get out of the trap of asking children if they have homework or not since this creates an opportunity for children to say they don't have homework.  Instead, I recommend for parents to set a clear structure for how homework time is handled everyday.  This structure starts with statements such as "Show me what you have for homework today." versus questions such as "Do you have homework today?"  Making it a requirement that each assignment is shown directly to the parent each day as a step of the homework structure also helps versus just letting children say their work is complete.

Ultimately, it is a process teaching children about the importance of honesty and assisting them with navigating the complexities of the world around them in which some people do choose to take short cuts or be dishonest.  Helping children to understand the types of situations that they will likely find themselves in and what behaviors you expect based on your values is also important.  Hopefully, parents can feel better knowing that speaking to children about family values and providing rewards and praise to their children for making good choices do add up and help children to demonstrate more honesty over time.

[1] Inside Dateline. How to talk to your kids about cheating. NBC. April, 29, 2012