The Wild West of Parenting

The Wild West of Parenting 

Changing Negative Behaviors through Strong Parenting
There is no question that parenting can be like the wild west at times.  This is especially true when a child's negative behaviors have taken over a whole family system.  The image that this draws is one of an old western town in which there is chaos and instability due to the wild rule breaking ways of a small group.  There is fear among the townspeople that one wrong move can bring havoc and disrupt the tentative peace.  Often in families where this has occurred the natural tendency is for parents to submit to their children’s wishes to try to keep unstable situations from escalating.  Ultimately, though, what saves the western town and restores peace and order is the same thing that can rescue families and reestablish serenity in the home.  Just as in westerns where the sheriff must ride into town and take control through a true show of legitimate authority, parents must also assert themselves and restore order.

The first step to repair the true family order and stop negative behaviors is for parents to realize that they are the sheriffs and that their rightful place is in an authority position.  Parents should be in charge.  Then the best way to move forward is to set clear expectations for behavior with a large selection of rewards for positive behaviors and appropriate consequences for negative choices.  Parent sheriffs must be ready to put down rebellions when they arise.  This is analogous with the famed western gun battle.  Children engaging in negative behaviors do not want order to be restored so they will typically raise the stakes when a new limit is set to try and bully parents into giving into their demands.  Parents, who know that their limits are right and that they (not their child) are the appropriate ones to be setting the rules and expectations, do best.

There are many keys to a successful transition in the family system.  The following list can be used as a guideline:
Be prepared for the showdown emotionally, knowing that most likely you will see an initial increase in negative behaviors when you set clear expectations for your child.
Have a large amount of possible rewards to provide for your child for making good choices.  Rewards are always needed for any program to be successful.  These should be rewards and incentives, not bribes (meaning that the child must first engage in a positive behavior prior to receiving a reward and not the other way around).  Rewards do not have to be of monetary value.  Sometimes spending alone time with your child doing his or her favorite activity can be a great reward. Another possible reward could be letting your child choose what meal he or she wants for dinner.
Have appropriate limits and clear consequences for when a child continues to act out.  It is important a create a large list of appropriate consequences ahead of time so that a parent doesn't fall into the trap of selecting too harsh of a consequences resulting from aggravated emotions in the moment.
Seek support from others who are able to assist you when the showdown is occurring.
Take time for your own self-care.  This can include leaving the situation for a brief period to calm down and manage your own emotions.  Taking deep breaths, exercising, utilizing imagery, taking time out for fun activities, and accessing a support network can all be important components of self-care.
Parents need to know that the showdown is time-limited.
Ultimately, order will be restored.  Only this type of order can bring about true happiness and safety for a family.