Using Positive Behavior Support in the Home for Positive Change

Using Positive Behavior Support in the Home for Positive Change

Positive Behavior Support (PBS) is an area that has received a lot of attention in recent years.  This type of program has become popular for many reasons including the strong research support that documents its efficacy in supporting positive change in children both in school, home, and other environments. These programs can be helpful as well since they can be utilized with a particular child, but also with a whole program such as for an entire school or district.
 
Positive Behavior Support has been defined as:
an empirically validated, function-based approach to eliminate challenging behaviors and replace them with prosocial skills.  Use of PBS decreases the need for more intrusive or aversive interventions (i.e., punishment or suspension) and can lead to both systemic as well as individualized change.
PBS can target an individual student or an entire school, as it does not focus exclusively on the student, but also includes changing environmental variables such as the physical setting, task demands, curriculum, instructional pace and individualized reinforcement.  Thus it is successful with a wide range of students, in a wide range of contexts, with a wide range of behaviors.

PBS is based on behavioral theory; problem behavior continues to occur because it is consistently followed by the child getting something positive or escaping something negative. By focusing on the contexts and outcomes of the behavior, it is possible to determine the functions of the behavior, make the problem behavior less effective and efficient, and make the desired behavior more functional.  This often involves changing systems, altering environments and teaching new skills, as well as focusing on the problem behavior. [1]
 
Laura Riffel presented a list of questions and examples of how these same PBS theories and strategies can be used in the home.  She notes that PBS is:
1. Deciding what behavior you want to change
2. Deciding how you want that behavior to change
3. Using behavior science to change that behavior
a. Develop a theory about why you think the behavior is occurring
b. Test your theory
4. Using supports that have been tested and proven to work
a. Teach new skills to get the same results
b. Change environments and daily routines
c. Reward positive behaviors
Positive behavior support does not mean changing the child; rather, it means creating a new environment that supports the positive behavior you want to achieve. It means creating a plan that determines who will help and what you will do differently. [2]    
 
Next, I will provide an example to illustrate how a person can use these PBS strategies within a family context.  One difficult time for families can be car rides with their children.  A parent might decide that he or she wants car rides to change due to negative acting behaviors such as children arguing in the car, being too loud, not asking appropriately for things such as changing the radio station, etc.  A parent might decide that instead he or she wants the children to get along in the car (or at a minimum keep to themselves), use good manners when asking for something, use inside voices, etc.  This parent may guess that this is happening in the car for several reasons such as the children don't know what is expected in the car, they are bored, yelling or misbehaving has worked in the past (I yell and the radio station changes or I get the front seat), etc.  This parent can then provide skill teaching such as role playing to show how he or she expects the child to act in the car.  This often can be fun for the parent to act out both appropriate (sitting quietly, making requests appropriately) and inappropriate (demonstrating yelling, banging on the seat, being wild) ways to act in the car.  If boredom is thought to be a potential trigger the parent can then also structure car rides to address this with activities that he or she deems as acceptable, such as allowing children to listen to Ipods, having travel games in the car, and other possibilities based on individual child interest.  One parent I know had a child who would often misbehave in the car when he was thirsty so she found that when she made a point to always have water available in the car this negative behavior was greatly decreased by good planning and altering the environment to better meet her child's unique needs.

The next step involves repetition and consistency as the parent works to reinforce through praise and rewards every positive behavior witnessed and not reward negative behaviors.  While this is definitely a process to shape behavior the more consistent a parent is for acknowledging and rewarding behaviors again and again, while also not reinforcing negatives such as changing the radio station despite a child asking in an unacceptable way, significant progress will be made.  Evaluating this type of plan can also be critical for its success to test out theories and make improvements.  While these types of PBS interventions can be challenging for parents to implement (especially at first) these systematic options can greatly reduce stress for parents as they help children to use more prosocial skills.



[1] Cohen. A. 2001. Positive Behavior Support: Information for Educators. National Association of School Psychologists-4340 East West Highway, #402, Bethesda, MD 20814. Found at: www.nasponline.org/resources/factsheets/pbs_fs.aspx
[2] Riffel, L. Turnbull, A. Getting Behavior in Shape at Home.  Found at  www.pbis.org/spanish/files/behaviorshape.doc

The Amazing Power of Camp

The Amazing Power of Camp: How Camp Experiences Offer Unique and Innovative Programming for Children

I decided to write about how effective camp can be as a positive intervention for children this month for the newsletter due to being inspired by my recent attendance of the Spring Leadership Conference put on by the American Camp Association.  This year I attended several presentations discussing the theory and research regarding camps rightful place as a positive intervention for children including how camps have the distinctive ability to teach skills in a powerfully different way than various school and community programs.  While this topic is near and dear to my heart given my position as the director of a therapeutic camp, I wanted to share with our readers some of the things that make camp experiences a unique and wonderful way to powerfully influence the lives of children.
 
At this conference, author and trainer, Michael Brandwein presented information regarding the unique power of camp.  He makes several points including:
1.Camp leads the way in using the best methods to help children learn and grow by using experiential learning activities since children learn more from hands-on discovery, noting how camps have focused on this type of learning for 150 years.
2. Camp communities remove the typical pressures from school and support children in a positive atmosphere that cherishes effort and persistence.  Camp provides recognition when children try their best even when they don't have success right away, creating a less pressured environment where children can learn what positive things to say and do when they make mistakes.
3. Camp has distinctive value in preparing children for future success by creating opportunities for children to build new relationships and practice in cooperation and compromise.
4. Camp offers an unequaled variety of opportunities to develop well-rounded children by providing a vast array of different activities through the day.
5. Camp combats youth isolation by offering positive and accepting communities that can be an oasis of personal safety where demeaning comments and disrespectful behavior are not tolerated and children are taught responsible and positive ways to resolve conflicts.[1]    
 
While I agree with all of Michael Brandwein's points, the focus on experiential learning is paramount to me and I see experiential learning as a key tenant of all the 5 points he raises.  I first became excited about experiential learning theory and its use as a treatment intervention in graduate school.  In my work with youth offenders I saw this type of intervention as a powerful way to positively impact youth, which then led to this becoming a main focus of my own research and therapeutic interventions.  In a nutshell, experiential learning programs focus on "learning through doing...a process through which individuals construct knowledge, acquire skills, and enhance values from direct experience".[2]   Active learning strategies are potentially powerful, as some research suggests that people only retain 25% of what they see and hear, while retaining 80% of what they experience and practice.[3]   Researchers have provided evidence that experiential activities that build trust, cooperation, and communication skills can increase self-esteem, alter locus of control, reduce asocial behavior and improve problem-solving abilities.[4]  I have found in my work with children with attention and learning difficulties that these hands-on learning opportunities can be even more important since these types of approaches can be more successfully accessed by children who might struggle academically.

At the conference I also had the opportunity to hear, Scott Brody, Vice President of the American Camp Association, speak about "How what we teach at camp has never been more relevant."  This talk was exciting since Scott Brody presented compelling research further detailing the unique role that camps can play in teaching the necessary skills children need in the future.  He cited information created by the Partnership for 21st Century Skills (P21), the nation's leading organization promoting 21st century learning opportunities for all students, representing a broad coalition of education, business, nonprofit, and foundation partners who developed a list of needed skills for the 21st Century Skills.  P21's goal is to fuse the 3Rs (reading, writing, and arithmetic) with the 4Cs (applied skills in critical thinking and problem solving, communication, collaboration and creativity) since this group has determined that these are the most critical skills to help children to be successful in the 21st century.[5]  
 
Scott Brody also presented findings from a large study conducted by the American Camp Association with over 7600 campers (aged 10-18) from just over 80 ACA-Accredited camps to determine the degree to which developmental supports and opportunities were reported/received by those campers.  Parents, camp staff, and children reported significant growth in: Self-esteem, Peer relationships, Independence, Adventure and exploration, Leadership, Environmental awareness, Friendship skills, Values, Decision-Making, Social comfort, and Spirituality.  In addition, he noted how these results demonstrated that: "Camps, more than schools and most after-school and community-based experiences, provide positive developmental environments for youth, especially in providing supportive relationships with adults and peers, and in skill building."[6]

Furthermore, Scott Brody presented an analysis of 213 studies involving more than 270,000 students from kindergarten through high school, which found that programs that enhance social and emotional development accelerate school achievement as much as interventions targeted at academic subjects.[7] Scott Brody postulates that given the research regarding the positive benefits at camp, camp is more relevant than ever before in teaching children the skills of the future and can lead the way in providing growth opportunities for children helping them to develop the needed skills for the 21st century.  He noted that camps can help children develop leadership, healthy physical activities, and academic achievement by "preparing children for learning; engaging them experientially, and encouraging them to think critically."[8]


Being trained as a true scientist-practitioner in a social science field I can tell you that it is always exciting when the positive gains you are witnessing in children's growth is then also validated through the research.  I truly believe that it is an amazing time to be a camp director since I feel that I have access to such an incredible vehicle to positively impact the lives of children with special needs in our community and help them to develop the skills they need to be successful at camp, school, home, and in their futures.


[1] From Training Terrific Staff Volume Two (Brandwein, 2008) Chapter 18  Copywrite 2005, '08 by Michael Brandwein/All Rights Reserved/847-940-9820/mail@michaelbrandwein.com facebook.com/michaelbrandweinspeaker
[2] Association of Experiential Education, 1995; as cited in Luckner, J.L., & Nadler, R.S. (1997). Processing the experience: Strategies to enhance and generalize learning (2nd ed.). United States: Kendall/Hunt Publishing., p. 3.
[3]Brady, 1989; as cited in Luckner, J.L., & Nadler, R.S. (1997). Processing the experience: Strategies to enhance and generalize learning (2nd ed.). United States: Kendall/Hunt Publishing.
[4]Colan, 1986; Ewert, 1989; Luckner, 1989; Rawson & McIntosh, 1991; Rudolph, 1991; Smith et al., 1992; Stich & Senior, 1984; Wichmann, 1991; as cited in Luckner, J.L., & Nadler, R.S. (1997). Processing the experience: Strategies to enhance and generalize learning (2nd ed.). United States: Kendall/Hunt Publishing.
[5]presentation at the Spring Leadership Conference on April 19, 2012 by Scott Brody titled "How what we teach at camp has never been more relevant." Presentation is available at www.kenwood-evergreen.com.
 [6]Inspirations:Developmental Supports and Opportunities of Youths' Experiences at Camp, 2006, American Camp Association, www.ACAcamps.org/research as cited in a presentation at the Spring Leadership Conference on April 19, 2012 by Scott Brody titled "How what we teach at camp has never been more relevant." Presentation is available at www.kenwood-evergreen.com.
[7] http://synapse.princeton.edu/brained/child-self-control/exercise_academics_meta_Singh.pdf as cited in a presentation at the Spring Leadership Conference on April 19, 2012 by Scott Brody titled "How what we teach at camp has never been more relevant." Presentation is available at www.kenwood-evergreen.com.
[8]Presentation at the Spring Leadership Conference on April 19, 2012 by Scott Brody titled "How what we teach at camp has never been more relevant." Presentation is available at www.kenwood-evergreen.com.
The Amazing Power of Camp: How Camp Experiences

Parents are People Too: Ways to Refuel and Recharge

Parents are People Too: Ways to Refuel and Recharge 

While the title to this article may sound silly, I decided on this title specifically since often there are so many pressures and demands on parents that we seem to forget that parents really are people too with their own feelings, wants, and needs.  It is very common for our lives to be so busy, stressful, and over-scheduled that we forget or struggle to justify making time for ourselves.  Unfortunately this type of selflessness often backfires and makes parenting even more challenging in the long run.  It is crucial for parents to carve out time for themselves independent of their children, both for themselves as individuals and in their relationships with others to maintain a healthy balance, which ultimately supports the challenges of parenting.

Many of you may have witnessed how on an airplane the safety instructions prior to takeoff detail how in the case of an emergency adults are to place their own oxygen masks on first prior to helping any children or other adults in need of assistance.  Similarly, police officers, firefighters, and lifeguards are instructed to first assess that a situation is safe for themselves prior to entering into a rescue situation.  The reasoning behind these behaviors is that if we are not taking care of ourselves it is impossible for us to help others.  This idea holds true for parenting as well.  While this is true for all parents, I believe this is especially true for families with children with special needs.

Sometimes obstacles for parents to create time to refuel and recharge themselves emotionally is the idea that they cannot afford the time.  Unfortunately, parents can't afford not to take the time since it is almost impossible to engage in the positive parenting that is needed when we are under too much stress and are feeling overwhelmed.  Financial concerns impede some other parents from taking time for themselves, while others struggle with feelings of guilt.  Some parents need to find ways to challenge these feelings and learn that they actually cheat both themselves and their children if they do not model good self-care.

For couples, date nights can be critical to assist parents in maintaining their connection and building positive family interactions.  Some parents have a specific, weekly date night as a means to carve out special time for each other.  Recommendations to make for great date nights include setting parameters where the dates are just that--dates (not a time discuss problems, family schedules, or work stress).  I know of some couples who have traded off with other families, in which the parents take turns providing childcare when it wasn't possible to afford childcare.  In these cases, the couples would even schedule slightly later dates so that the children were already tucked in for the night so the other parent wouldn't have to provide much childcare.

For families with the financial means to hire a person for childcare, this can sometimes be especially challenging and stressful when trying to secure childcare for a child with special needs.  There are ways to seek out childcare providers with significantly more experience working with children with special needs, such as people who have worked as aides in the schools or for companies.  Friends or family members may have a good referral and now there are online childcare companies that link parents with babysitters.  Often these companies have completed background checks on potential sitters and provide additional information such as the person's level of experience and references.

Beyond date nights it can be really important to have individual time as well.  Research regarding decreasing the likelihood of experiencing anxiety or depression recommends a minimum of 20 minutes per day for self-care.  This time can include engaging in pleasurable activities, exercising, deep breathing, using imagery to daydream about being in a favorite place, doing progressive relaxation (systematically tightening various muscle groups), spending time with others in your support network, etc.  No matter what activities a person chooses for self-care the important thing is to make the time and honor it.  Parents are incredibly hard working and have one of the most important jobs around.  It is critical to acknowledge and respect this by creating the time to refuel and recharge.

Positive Change Through Praise, Play, and Rewards

Positive Change Through Praise, Play, and Rewards 

When discussing how to create positive behavior change in children one of the best places often to start is to examine the amount of positive interchanges occurring.  One area of psychological research that consistently produces similar findings is that when we look for happy kids, happy adults, happy couples, and happy employees what we find is that there are typically 5 positive interactions or examples for every 1 negative interaction or correction that occurs.  These numbers at times have been dropped to be a 3 to 1 ratio in workplace settings, but in general, when we have 5 positives to every 1 negative people typically report being happy in a relationship.

Given this research regarding the impact of having 5 positives to every 1 negative related specifically to parenting, it is no surprise that the best parenting books start with chapters on praise, play, and rewards/incentives.  It is common for parents to want to start by trying to solve current problems and address how to implement consequences.  However; in treatment or parent training it is typically better to start with praise, play, and rewards since then so many behavioral difficulties drop so significantly that consequences are needed so much less.  While it will always be important for families to have consistent ways in which they set healthy limits with children and enforce clear consequences, focusing on increasing positive interactions is definitely the place to start!

For parents looking for ways to bring positive change in this area I recommend several things:

1.  Take one week with the assignment to notice (possibly even documenting) all the things that your child is doing correctly.  We can get so caught up in the difficulties or behaviors that push our buttons it is easy to lose sight of all the positives and the many things that children are doing right.

2.  Take the following week to start praising your child for all the things that you are noticing.  This can be done through verbal praise such as, "Great job!  I really liked how you listened on the first time." or "Thanks for taking out the trash. I appreciate it."  Be aware and don't fall into the pitfall of combining a negative and a positive together such as, "Thanks for taking out the trash.  Too bad it took you so long."  Beyond verbal praise, high 5's and hugs can also communicate some of these positive sentiments.

3.  Take time to play or connect positively with your child everyday.  This could be through playing a game, watching a show together, reading together, talking to your child about his or her interests, etc.  Parents sometimes have to be mindful to pick activities that are likely to be positive versus negative.  For example:  for the scheduled play/connection time pick reading versus a board game if game time is often a time of contention in the household.

4.  Providing clear expectations with rewards for positive choices can also be a great way to improve the climate in a home and build in more positives.  List out behaviors in positive language for children and set children up for success in your reward plans.  Listing behaviors positively means stating an expectation as being "kind in words" versus saying "no disrespectful language."  Successful incentive plans often allow for children to do less initially to earn rewards while as time increases the desired expectations are raised for a child to reach the reward.

I cannot state strongly enough how important positive interactions with children are.  Working hard to achieve that 5 to 1 positive to negative ratio can be crucial in creating healthy family relationships and can work to bring about great behavior change in children.  While it can take real effort at first, especially if there have been a lot of negative interactions or challenging behaviors lately, these positive interactions will build healthy, happy children and families.

Making Changes Count and Last

Making Changes Count and Last

As the New Year starts and people are focusing energy on making resolutions it seems to be an appropriate time to write an article regarding how to be most successful with making healthy changes.  The process of how and why people change and what leads to lasting change has been a large emphasis of importance for the field of psychology.  The specific area of motivation to change has been an area of particular interest and study for myself personally in the field of mental health.

First, regarding motivation to change there is strong research in the field that has clearly defined stages that people commonly go through in their change process. Prochaska and DiClemente's Stages of Change Model describes a natural process in which people cycle through stages of readiness and action in the process of changing their behavior.  This cycle includes six stages:  precontemplation (person is not considering change), contemplation (person is considering change, but has not acted to make a change), preparation (person is getting ready to change and is surer that a change is needed), action (person implements changes), and maintenance (person is able to sustain change).  Relapse (stage 6) is also considered part of the process since most people re-cycle through the stages at least once on their way to stable change.  Relapse is generally an event that terminates the action or maintenance stages and leads the person to cycle back into the precontemplation or contemplation stages.

It can be important to keep a high level of motivation in order to stay in the action stage for change.  This can often be achieved by acknowledging both the pros and cons of a certain change since the pros of a change typically outweigh the cons.  For example: for someone deciding to eat healthier and exercise more the cons of this plan could be things such as it can be more expensive to eat healthy, takes more planning, can cause physical soreness, it is hard to give up some favorite unhealthy foods, etc.  This same person though when thinking of the pros or positives of healthier eating and exercise habits can focus on how he or she feels better when in better shape and eating healthy, the decreased risk for illness and chronic diseases, etc. Since these types of pros outweigh the cons that do exist the person can stay motivated and remain in the action phase of his or her change plan.  This type of strategy involving reviewing both the pros and cons also has been found to significantly help people maintain changes.

In addition, when people have made it through a motivation to change cycle and are in the action stage there are many things that assist people in being successful.  One key strategy is for people to set clear and realistic goals.  Setting both short-term and long-term goals can help people stay on track when creating new behaviors.  It also is critical for people to reward themselves with bonuses or incentives for reaching milestones along the way in achieving a goal.  Setting small, achievable goals and rewarding and celebrating successes is one of the best ways to stay encouraged and motivated to continue reaching a goal and moving into making a new behavior into a healthy habit.

Having significant support systems can also be crucial in successfully reaching goals.  In general, people who surround themselves with supportive others (often others with similar goals) are found to be successful.  For example, research has been presented that people who attend support groups for weight loss typically are more successful than others who try to reach their weight loss goals without a supportive system.

Sometimes people will try to change too many things at once, which for many people becomes too overwhelming.  This feeling of being overwhelmed often seems to lead to people becoming discouraged when they are not able to maintain all the changes they are trying at once.

The beginning of the New Year can offer a wonderful opportunity to reflect and reassess, creating the space to chart a course for change.  Hopefully some of this information regarding how the motivation to change process works, as well as strategies for how to set and achieve goals regarding creating new healthy habits will be helpful as people work to make changes this year.

**Prochaska, J. O. (1999). How do people change, and how can we change to help many more people?  In M. A. Hubble & B. L. Duncan (Eds.), The heart and soul of change: What works in therapy. (pp. 227-255). Washington, DC, USA: American Psychological Association.

Making the Most of the Holidays

Making the Most of the Holidays

For many families the holiday season can be both an exciting and stressful time of year.  This can be especially true for families with children with special needs who may struggle with some of the aspects of celebrating and participating in holiday events.  It can be particularly challenging for parents to make the most of the holidays in a way that doesn’t overwhelm them and their children.

The holiday season can be stressful for all children, especially children with special needs for many reasons.  Some of the challenges often presented this time of year include children being affected by a dramatic change in schedule, being overwhelmed by the amount of events that they are to attend, exposure to situations that can often aggravate sensitivities such as to touch, noise, and to various foods, struggling with being overexcited about events, and participating in family gatherings or traditions.  Attending family events can often be stressful for parents due to concerns regarding how their child might interact with other children and family members since often children with special needs struggle with emotion regulation and social skills.  This can be especially difficult when parents feel that other family members do not agree with their parenting in some situations since often parents of children with special needs have to provide interventions unique to their specific child.

The good news is that there are many strategies that can be helpful for families to truly make the most out of the holiday season for both parents and their children.  In general, it can be important to prepare children for what to expect and what will be expected from them as much as possible.  This could mean having many conversations about what is on the schedule for the day or week.  Often a visual reminder of what is coming can be helpful for children.  Parents can also benefit from being selective about what events they choose to have their children participate in and often limiting the number of events per day so that their child is less likely to be overwhelmed.  Allowing children to pick some of the activities that they will participate in and providing children with a lot of down time may also be important.  This may entail having large breaks in between events, but also may include bringing your child’s favorite toys or soothing things with them when you are out.  For example: having a stash of Legos that your child can play with in a quiet room at a holiday event for a specific period of time may be a lifesaver if your child is soothed by Legos.

For children with noise, touch, or food sensitivities it may make sense to try to avoid places that may be too stimulating for children.  For example: A parent may want to avoid holiday shopping with children at peak hours or during large mall events.  Parents can plan ahead and make sure to bring several of their child’s favorite snacks or foods to events as well.

Parents may also find that their children are more successful at family events if they provide a higher level of supervision and monitoring.  This higher level of monitoring can sometimes help children to navigate challenging social situations.  In many instances, parents may help stop a problem before it really starts.  For example: for children who struggle with playing board games with others, it may be helpful to pre-teach prior to the family event and provide incentives.  Pre-teaching could mean having a conversation prior to the day about how the child will likely be able to play a board game, and provide examples of how he or she can show good sportsmanship.  Incentives for good sportsmanship may also be helpful since children are often motivated by rewards.  Some parents will opt to bring a craft project or a noncompetitive game as a way to have their children participate in family events without having to compete if this would be too challenging at the current time for them.

Utilizing some of these strategies plus taking the time to think about a child’s unique needs and what types of things such as level of structure and reward plans usually help him or her to be successful can really help to make it a wonderful holiday season.  Being positive with children, creating opportunities for fun family times, and using some of these strategies that apply will hopefully help parents to create some great holiday memories.

Finding your Inner Sherlock Holmes

Finding your Inner Sherlock Holmes: Key Strategies for Being a Good Parent Detective

One of the keys to assisting children to grow and develop healthy is by providing the supervision and monitoring necessary to help them navigate the minefield around them that is otherwise known as the teen years. Research in the field consistently signals the importance of monitoring and supervision as main ways to help children be successful in these potentially turbulent years. Monitoring and supervision often include things such as knowing who children are spending time with, what they do when they are out of the home, where they go, and what the supervision, monitoring, and value systems are of their friends' parents. While some children are open books, other children do not want to include their parents in their lives or choices. For these children who often want more privacy and independence, parents often have to work hard, channeling their inner Sherlock Holmes to be the type of parent detective that their children need.

It is a parent's duty to know what his or her child is up to and that he or she is safe. This can be especially challenging for parents of children who want to be left alone to make their own choices and decisions. The responsibility remains with parents to know that their child is safe, by knowing what behaviors he or she is engaging in and what situations they may find him or herself in. For situations in which children do not share with their parents or include them, parents need to do what is necessary to get the information that they need.

There are several signs that may signify to a parent that their child may be struggling. These signs might include:
1.            A child has become withdrawn or secretive.
2.            A child's grades have decreased dramatically.
3.            Teachers, a child's friend, family members or others have brought up concerns for a child.
4.            A child has changed who they spend time with (possibly associating with others who may not be making healthy choices).
5.            A parent questions whether their child might be using drugs.
6.            Something in a parent's gut just tells him or her that something is not right!
 
What I advise parents to do is to trust their gut response. If something is telling them that something isn't right, they need to investigate and get the information needed to know if their child needs help to be safe. Sometimes parents get overwhelmed or discount their gut reactions thinking that they are overreacting. Without further information a parent may not know, and if his or her gut is right that a child may need a lot of support, guidance, and clear guidelines in order to be safe.
 
Parents can ascertain information in lots of ways. This can be as simple as being sensitive to children and asking questions. Sometimes parents find that asking children at the right times is crucial to get the information they need. I know of parents who make a point to get a special treat with their child or ask questions while driving alone together in the car because they have noticed that these are situations in which their specific child is more open. Another key is to be involved. Being involved in a child's life may include:
1.            Talk to other parents.
2.            Pay attention when you are driving a carpool-you might just be amazed about what children talk about when they don't think you are listening.
3.            Show up where your children are supposed to be. Often you will not even talk to them, but I recommend that you sometimes attend a movie at the same time or go buy a coffee when you know your child is supposed to be hanging out at a coffee shop or bookstore with friends.
4.            Have many clear rules for phones, computers, and social media. These rules should include things like no deleting or closing down any screens when you are in the room, that you can ask to see their pages, emails, texts, etc. at any time, and that you control all passwords. I know many parents who also have their own Facebook account or something similar just as a means to have more information about what his or her child is doing.
5.            Get clear evidence if possible. For example: if you are concerned about drug experimentation conduct drug testing.
 
Another challenge for parents is that many teenagers are upset and angry when their parents set rules, supervise, monitor, and when they investigate their child's behavior. I recommend that you notify children that it is your responsibility to be a good "parent detective" and that you take this job very seriously. It is OK to inform your children that it is your duty to keep them safe and healthy and that this is a nonnegotiable thing. Some parents also need to be firm and let their child know that he or she needs to comply with the parent's conditions in order to earn privileges. For example: many families have a rule that in order for a child to visit a friend the parent needs to have met that friend previously and spoke to the other child's parent about this specific event. If a child is not willing to comply with these guidelines than the child is told that he or she does not have permission and the matter won't be further discussed until he or she does what is necessary to fulfill the guidelines.
 
The best way is to get the information needed is to foster positive, open communication with your child. This is more likely to occur in cases where you make times to just have fun and positive interactions with your child, where you praise and reward your child for telling you things you think are important for you to know, and when you are able to manage your own emotions regarding what your child is telling you. Children are much more likely to discuss more important topics in the future when you have stayed calm and had good conversations about what they are telling you. It is a difficult balance, but it is important to hear your child out and also tell them your values as well as your hopes and dreams for them in a way that doesn't feel too much like a lecture. The reality is that children need their parents in these turbulent years and parents need to rise to the challenge. Know there are supports out there, good sources for education, other parents who also are working hard to keep their children safe who can be important allies, and parents have a wealth of knowledge because they survived their own teen years and have lived to tell about it. With all of this support and knowledge, parents can make Mr. Holmes proud.